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Valhalla
Part I: A Ghost on the Trans-Canada
4:30 - Left home, odometer at 239,429
5:22 - Passed Lyalta, somewhere east of Calgary. Medicine Hat is still a way's away. My writing looks shitty because I'm in a truck. I'll add more later.
5:29 - High Hopes. Passing some small town called Strathmore, first headlight in a while. Got some Floyd playing. I just saw a pub, man... I want beer. No stopping though.
6:53 - So much Praries... nothing but Praries. Left, right, ahead, behind, nothing but Praries. Stopped to take a piss in a hellhole called Brooks. The town smells so much like horseshit. Not like I was unfortunate to be standing next to a horse when it did it's thing, like the whole fucking town smells like horseshit. The sun is fading across the horizon and soon we'll be driving in darkness. I'm pretty sure we're about halfway to Regina.
7:40 - Medicine Hat is off in the distance and I can't see very well inside, it's dark. Haven't seen city lights at night in a long time. It's a long way to Toronto so the Hat will have to do for now. These streets are cold and empty, I'm a stranger among friends. We're going to look for a Tim Horton's or at least a decent coffee because the cappucino from Brooks was awful... no surprise. We just entered Medicine Hat city limits, so far it seems pretty bland.
7:51 - The world's biggest teepee is in Medicine Hat, I took a picture of it. Besides that, Medicine Hat is nothing but motels it seems. I'm assuming there must be a lot of hookers somewhere around here. We found a Tim Horton's which is glorious.
8:36 - Just made it to Saskatchewan. Too dark, can't see what I'm writing.
9:40 - We ride with Kings on mighty steeds across the Devil's Plains.
10:05 - Swift Current. Looking for coffee, just realized I've been writing upside-down, fuck. This looks bad. I'm getting tired, thinking maybe I should start drinking coffee again, seems like a good idea. Hoping Amanda calls soon. Saskatchewan doesn't smell like Brooks. God, Brooks sucked.
10:21 - Is that the Moon or just another headlight?
10:23 - Blood Moon.
11:40 - Holding a light in my teeth, it's a bit easier to see now. I'm not proud of the last page. Fucking mess. We just passed Moose Jaw.
12:12 - Regina, pit stop. I'm going to call it a night. My dad's going to keep driving, see where we are in the morning.
5:15 - Woke up in God-Knows-Where, Saskatchewan. Was really cold but now I'm fine. Already back on the road, pushing for Winnipeg before noon and Thunder Bay by tonight. I'm to understand the Praries end after Winnipeg, so hopefully good scenery today.
6:26 - Manitoba. Wooded areas abound, so much better than Praries. Sunrise burning up the sky. It's a new day, I'm slowly waking up. Picked up a copy of Rolling Stone, don't care for pretentious music opinions, just saw Hunter S. on the cover and it looked like a good read. Darkness is being lifted, so far I like Manitoba, can't wait to be in Ontario, and turn back a couple days after that.
7:34 - Brandon, Manitoba. Breakfast. Food, glorious food. Maybe it's just cuz I've got Iron Man blaring, but I've taken a liking to Manitoba.
8:20 - Manitoba seems pretty cool and courteous so far, breakfast kicked ass too. Saw a funny condom machine in the washroom and met a nice Chinese man. Now it's onward to Winnipeg, hopefully before noon.
8:53 - Lots of trees in Manitoba. Heavily forested. Haven't seen Praries in a while, since before Brandon at least. Manitoba's pretty awesome when compared to Saskatchewan.
9:35 - Detour through a place called Porte au Prarie, very small place. Back on the highway already. Winnipeg soon.
10:20 - Highway bypass, won't be seeing Winnipeg, new route goes straight to Kenora which sounds really gay, almost as bad as Brooks.
10:49 - Gas break, crappy souvenir shop, who wears a shirt that says Winnipeg? "Hey guys! Check out my bold statement, I paid $20 for a 100% polyester shirt just to prove I've been to Winnipeg, because God knows you wouldn't believe me." Anyways, Kenora in a couple hours, then Thunder Bay, possible Sault St. Marie tonight as well, aiming for Fort Erie by tomorrow afternoon sometime, hopefully before nightfall.
11:49 - Kenora's about 100km away which means soon we'll be in Ontario, I'm pretty excited about that. Looks like Sault St. Marie isn't a good option, will probably settle for a small town east or south-east of Thunder Bay. A night in Fort Erie tomorrow, then it's off to motherfuckin' Toronto.
12:16 - Finally Ontario. Strangely I feel more at home here even though I've never lived in Kenora, Thunder Bay, etc. I guess it's just knowing that we're a bit closer to Toronto and that much farther from the Praries. Thunder Bay is 500km from Kenora, so I anticipate we'll be there by 5 or 6, closer to 6. Just saw a Tim Horton's sign, Ontario rules.
12:45 - Kenora, Dryden in 140km, Vermilion in 100, and Thunder Bay in 400-something. Fairly confident we can make it to Fort Erie if we keep pushing for tomorrow. Making outstanding time. Ontario has more to offer in the way of scenery than Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Alberta (except the north), combined times a hundred. Lots of pictures from Ontario, nice and warm too.
12:48 - Just remembered there's a 2hr difference here, our clock says 12:49 but everyone else's says 2:49.
1:12 - Stuck because of an excavator about halfway or so to Vermilion or whatever. No idea how long we'll be here.
1:24 - On the move again.
2:13 - The quest for good coffee seems neverending. At least it's not Brooks. Bought Amanda an oil-burning wolf type thing, not quite sure what the hell it is but I'm sure she'll like it. About 4 more hours 'til Thunder Bay and some dinner. Looks like possible rain later, but I'm no weatherman.
2:26 - Minnitaki, what a Native name.
2:43 - Pit stop in Dryden, seems like a small, quiet town. Like the general vibe of this place. The trees are dead, the leaves are fallen, the people seem sad... oh my God, and I'm enjoying it. It's not their sadness I enjoy, I just like how small and quiet it is.
3:01 - Fuck Dryden. Some geriatric old fuck didn't have courtesy enough for the parking space we were fucking backing up into! He gets out of his car and walks past us, I yell "thank you!" he says "no problem!" My dad says "he's just stupid is all." I go in for coffee and this senile piece of shit is ahead of me in line, "wow, again?" He turns around and I ask "what the fuck are you looking at?" He turns around with his tail between his legs. Honestly, what the fuck is it with rude people? If you're going to be an asshole then don't act like a pussy when someone calls you on it. Man, ditch this shit, hope he chokes on his donut.
3:47 - Tried talking to Heather but I'm out here in the middle of fucking nowhere. Phone got disconnected, bad signal. If it's not too late I'll try again in Thunder Bay, can probably get a decent signal there. Will be good to see Amanda's family again.
4:02 - Pit stop in Ignace, and by pit stop I mean piss stop cuz of all the iced tea I've been drinking. Think I'm going to try to catch some Z's before Thunder Bay.
4:36 - English River, boring. More construction, following a chubby blonde in a pickup, doing 30. We're in Thunder Bay district though, so I can only assume we're getting there slowly.
5:50 - Shaquada, we're about 75km away from Thunder Bay. Still, gonna get some eats when we get there. Tried calling Candace earlier but she didn't answer and for some (probably annoying) reason, I never leave messages. Just thought to myself, how much of this would I have forgotten if not for the mighty pen? I'm going to play MediEvil now.
6:11 - Dark again, it's 8:11 local time. Just passed Kakabeka Falls, my writing will probably get messy again, fairly warned.
6:56 - Food in my belly. Very nice people at the Tim Horton's in Thunder Bay. A much better impression by far than say... Dryden, or Brooks. Brooks wasn't the people as it was the offensive smell. Happy so far in Thunder Bay, but would rather be home, obviously. I really miss Amanda, I wish I was home, but can't make this a miserable trip. We're pushing for Cochrane tonight but I find that doubtful, my dad seems optimistic though, I was always a pessimist anyways. Especially after Thunder Bay took fucking forever. Fort Erie tomorrow, which will be the halfway point of what's come to be called the Long-Ass Trip. Then we'll be on our way home with all of our shit in tow. That'll take longer but damn if we don't do it.
7:14 - Pitch black minus the headlights. Driving into frantic oblivion, it's easy to disappear here. It's easy to get lost for a long, long time. Well Lord, this is your time to shine.
8:36 - Some place called Nipigon, finally fucking brushed my teeth. I did it with a bottle of water in a parking lot, it's almost 2 for these people, I suppose I may have freaked them out a little. Found a radio station playing American Woman (original version), and now some Neil Young, so... finally good music. Not making Cochrane tonight, seems very doubtful. I'm going to retire to my games and hopefully fall asleep.
8:47 - 10:47 local time. Just got stopped for speeding. Fucking pigs got nothing better to do than hide in the darkness. Criminals, sex offenders, etc. but the law has to catch speeders at night! I guess Ontario police are going bankrupt or something, must desperately need the money, at least enough to hide in the one fucking block where it goes 90-60-90.
10:04 - Just passed Jellicoe. I'm seeing the Northern Lights for the first time. Words do this sight no justice. They flicker and dance like an acid trip, but better. I won't seeon forget this. Very pretty sight.
3:44 - On the move again. I'm tired as shit. Doesn't matter if I sleep 3hrs or 30, in the front seat of a pickup I don't think I'll ever feel fully rested. Cold again... I miss you, jacket.
6:28 - Woke up again a short while ago. Had breakfast in Hearst. Server may have been 'mildly retarded.'
8:29 - Uhaul just fucked us over. Apparently our trailer was 'subject to availability,' which is awesome because nobody mentioned that! So I'll never use Uhaul, and recommend anybody reading this do the same. We;ll be using a 4x8 now, fuckers. Almost at Cochrane, I'm going to shower when we get there. 2 days and nights in a truck have taken their toll. We'll be in Fort Erie sometime today. Stupid fucking Uhaul.
9:24 - Showered in a truck stop. Feel so clean and refreshed, service was pretty awesome too. Just a slow burn thorugh Iroqouis Falls and then Grand Bay, Barrie from there. After that it's straight to Fort Erie, one last push. I'll burn out in my home province tonight.
10:24 - Just brushed the Quebec border. It rules not having tolls everywhere, just a sign that says 'Welcome.'
10:35 - Met another interesting person, it's been fun. She was a gas clerk who had a giant pen for me to sign my bill with. Trucker folk and small town folk are for the most part people I find pretty cool.
1:06 - Temagami, very small, very boring. Nobody interesting here, not even truckers seem to stop. Ugly woman was rude at the grocery store. Listening to Nelly Furtado.
1:35 - Grand Bay, next place that isn't a one-street town is Barrie, Orillia comes before that. From here on is no longer two-lane highway, we're slowly getting to the Concrete Jungle. I feel a bit more at home around skyscrapers than deer. Also, my beard is coming along, I think.
1:48 - Grand Bay is kinda big, and the highway no longer has 'danger of moose' signs. Hot here, at least 20-something, feel the heat. Very excited, the signs are slowly marking down the distance left to Toronto, I'll be there very soon. Just passing by today, tomorrow is the big day. Oh, and new rule! If your car is worth less than $50,000 I don't want to hear your shitty techno or rap music blaring, ok? You're not showing off to anyone and your car is a piece of shit. Also, if you drive a Civic, you don't get music priviliges.
2:24 - 284 to Toronto.
2:30 - 270 to Toronto.
2:43 - 260 to Toronto.
2:50 - 243 to Toronto.
2:56 - 230 to Toronto.
3:00 - 226 to Toronto.
3:04 - 219 to Toronto.
3:12 - 207 to Toronto.
3:35 - 169 to Toronto, I think I missed a sign.
3:48 - 150 to Toronto.
3:51 - 146 to Toronto.
4:00 - 126 to Toronto.
4:12 - 105 to Toronto.
4:17 - Barrie, finally a little development. Should give Ryan a call and see what's goin' down tomorrow.
4:21 - 94 to Toronto. Will see Ryan tomorrow and see if I can stop by the old shithole, I mean high school and see if the art teacher still has Amanda's drawing. Will stop Toronto countdown since I'll only be passing by today.
5:04 - Toronto! Always a pleasure to see you. It's very foggy here, I don't remember Toronto ever being this foggy, it must really have missed me, or the war's started. Making our way to Fort Erie, hopefully can make it in just over an hour. All of this is so familiar, I can't believe I'm here. It's hard to realize how long I've been gone and how far Calgary really is. Lots of memories around here, on this highway and on these streets, I can't believe I've lived here 17 or whatever years. Part of me wishes I could remember more, and part of me keeps pushing for the new.
5:53 - Hamilton, the fog still hasn't faded at all. Picked up a copy of the Toronto Star, maybe I can finally read a decent article, no offense Calgary Herald. Words can't explain this fog, hopefully these pictures come out nice.
6:22 - St. Catherines, fog seems to have lifted, possible it's over. Deep breath, phase one is almost over.
6:35 - Last burn, we're between Niagara Falls and Fort Erie. This is going to be my last entry for Part I unless something extreme happens. Going to pick up some pixie sticks for Ally, Brad and Heather will have to wait until Christmas, sorry guys. I used to think Fort Erie to Toronto was a long trip, now it's just a drive through a small woods and beyond the Peace Bridge you can see America. Tonight I'll be one less ghost on the Trans-Canada, and tomorrow I will conquer the West.
End of Part I
Intermission
Moved boxes out of the crawlspace, found and old CD player that works, so got good music for the trip back. Watched some hockey with Brad, Heather was understandably tired. Hopefully won't be leaving that early tomorrow. Shylo is very small, like, almost as small as this text. It would take a thousand Shylos to make one Koga. If I can keep from falling asleep I'll call Amanda later.
Saw Ryan today, good to see an old friend and talk shit like guys. Also so Jeff, Garrett, Zack, Jess and Jeremy. Fuck, Fort Erie is small. Too much of a hurry to say bye to Heather proper, feel bad. Back on the road after seeing my mom in Toronto, will be good to see her.
Part II - The Immigrant Song (or ‘How the West was Won’)
5:00 - Left Fort Erie in a hurry. Excited to be going home.
7:42 - Just saw my mom, will miss her. Talking her into moving to Calgary. There's not enough time in a day for everything and just a cup of coffee isn't enough.
7:55 - No more a ghost on the Trans-Canada. Now, we ride through Native lands as immigrants, returning to Western shores with a little more. We don't do it for ourselves.
11:30 - Going to sleep in North Bay, which I've been calling Grand Bay for some reason.
1:30 - Woke up to the sound of loud rain. Of course it doesn't rain until we're loaded with shit. We're going to keep moving but I'm pretty damn tired so will sleep some more. I understand we're trying for Winnipeg tonight.
6:57 - Reise, Reise! Breakfast at Husky's, another nice waitress, another funny condom machine. Very cold, very gray, no sun in sight, hopefully we get some sunshine around Cochrane.
9:30 - Cochrane. Will try for Thunder Bay.
10:07 - Facturas! Very tasty. First pangs of boredom, nothing serious though.
12:12 - Pizza in Hearst. French hunters, I hope moose understand white flags. Sorry.
2:07 - Pit stop in Longlac. Fell asleep earlier. Woke up tired as shit, can't sleep. About 300km to Thunder Bay. Saw a really bad truck accident, freight truck had gone straigt into forested area.
2:47 - Nothing's happened, just didn't want Part II to be so bland.
3:24 - Just saw a boat in Beardmore called 'Hooker,' it probably means in relation to fishing but I'm going to assume the latter.
4:00 - I think truckers play games like passing each other over and over because this is just fucking ridiculous.
4:30 - Scored a half-dozen free donuts and muffins from a nice lady in Nipigon.
5:00 - How the fuck is it already fucking 5?
5:36 - Thunder Bay.
5:49 - Just recorded an update. Today's been crappy, the day I mean. I think we've been going the same direction as the rain cuz it's been gray and rainy in all of Ontario. We were chasing the blue sky down the horizon but now it's fading to black like so much around me.
6:11 - Just had a fight with Amanda. I'm 3000 fucking miles away from everything. I’m fucking lonely, slowly losing my mind in this uncomfortable position. Thank god I filled up my flask and had some cigarettes in anticipation of something like this.
7:20 - I don’t want that to be the last entry. I miss Amanda. It’s raining, foggy and these truckers are crazy, we’re also in moose country. I want to be home, but I can’t be home.
8:23 - Really huge storm, it seems like day because the lightning is so strong. The raindrops are like an inch in diameter. I miss Amanda. This is easily the worst storm I’ve ever seen in my life, the entire sky is being lit up every few seconds. I don’t need a light to write this.
1
6:15 – Just woke up, good sleep. Neck aches a bit but that was the last night I sleep like that. We’re in Manitoba, so we’re getting there.
8:03 – Hold on to whatever gets you through. I don’t think we’ll make Winnipeg for a while.
10:33 – Just took a shower in Brandon, now off to Regina, then comes Moose Jaw, then Medicine Hat, and finally Calgary. Can’t wait to be home.
11:56 – Just entered Saskatchewan.
12:59 – Portable DVD player set up on dashboard. Watching Independence Day.
2:29 – Movie paused momentarily, rollin’ down dem’ ‘Katchewan ghettos, yo.
4:44 – Movie finished. Found South Park movie, will start watching later probably. Huge salt deposits.
5:58 – Two trucks full of piggies, very disheartening. Kill politicians instead!
7:42 – Stocked up on candy in the Hat. 300k to Calgary, can’t fucking wait to be home.
8:46 – Think we just passed Brooks, judging by the smell, we did. So, we’re getting close and this will be my last entry. Business has been taken care of and what’s done is done. Amanda went out so I doubt she’ll be there when I get back, but priorities! I’ve made a decision to resurrect Iron Man. Those of you who know what this means, take a shot or enjoy it. If you don’t, you never will. It’s been a long-ass trip with a lot of discovery and a whole bunch of cool new people I’d like to one day see again, but probably never will. One day, I will be the ghost again and I will see you again, and we will be immigrants, but not to the West, to a new place that nobody’s ever been. In another lifetime.
L10:50 – Fin.
